The Washington Post recently published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
My favorites are:
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.